The one where we learn that eating disorders can make you popular.

#4, Power Play

Tagline: "The Wakefield twins have taken sides--against each other!" What I would pay to see that cage match.


Dear Wakefield twins,

Help! A fat girl wants to join the prestigious, snobby sorority at my HIGH SCHOOL. What should I do?

Love,

Ew!

Dear Ew!,

I think it's pretty obvio what you have to do, here. You pretty much have to tell the Fattie that you'll vote for her, if you want her to keep running errands and doing your homework for you. Then, when it comes time to vote, blackball her. You can't have fatties in your sorority. People will think you're fat, too! Don't worry about lying and being mean and stuff. Remember: you're pretty!

And just a word to the wise: if, by some chance, Robin Wilson--er, I mean, "the fat girl," gets all skinny in the course of two weeks and then tries to join your cheerleading squad, you have to do all you can to keep her off of it, too. She might be skinny now, but she was fat once. And now she's hungry, so she might eat you. And then beat you out for the prestigious title of Miss Sweet Valley High, which we will never, ever, after this episode discuss again, because apparently it's not THAT prestigious.

Luv & kisses!
Jess

PS: Remember the time Lila Fowler was a shoplifter because her parents don't love her, but everybody thought I was, because she foisted all of her stolen loot on me? Yeah. I do, too. Good times!

(PPS: Cara, is that you???)

Dear Ew!,

Please don't listen to anything my sister says. You must do everything I tell you, instead, because I am perfect, and always right.

Even if you know your sister is going to blackball the fat girl from the sorority, don't tell her about it. If it comes as a shock to her she'll be too crushed to eat, get skinny, and then she will be popular. Problem solved! I'm a genius, right? Mr. Collins thinks so.

Remember: when all else fails, a sympathetic shoulder pat or two can go a long way to healing a bereft soul.

With fondest regards,
Elizabeth Wakefield.

What they wore:

So Robin Wilson is fat and has to wear a lot of tent dresses. We don't get a lot of information about how they look, but I think we can imply that they are shabby, since one Robin wears early on is described as drab. Also, because of the fact that everybody knows fat people don't get to wear nice clothes. So these tent dresses of Robin's, they're ugly. She even wears one to the school dance. Because apparently when you're overweight the fat goes to your brain and clogs up your neural synapses, so that you can't judge the appropriate formality of occasions. When Robin gets skinny, Pascal's ghostwriter allows her to graduate up to designer jeans, a rainbow top, and a new hairstyle. So I guess all's well that end's well. As a sign of Robin's newfound popularity, the Chemistry Club names it's new formula the Robin Reaction. Which would have been the kiss of death for you, forever, at my school.

So as part of the Pi Beta hazing, Jessica the Evil Whorebitch makes the fat girl wear a bikini to the beach. "Do you have a bikini, Robin?"Elizabeth asks gently. "Well, it's a two-piece that's too small, so it looks like a bikini." Oh, Robin.

Here are the things Lila Fowlers shoplifts for Jessica: a sapphire-blue silk scarf, a pair of "carefully detailed" butterfly earrings dangling on a delicate gold chains, a gold bracelet, and a gold ring "magnificently crafted, with an Egyptian pharoah's head carved on it." As opposed to, you know, a German pharoah. #1, that's a lot of gold, and #2, below is a picture of what Lila would have looked like wearing all her flashy loot:

Elizabeth the Ace Reporter finally figures out that Lila is shoplifting because she notices her dressing more and more wildly, wearing elaborate jewelry and extremely flashy clothes. One such outfit includes "bright green skintight pants and a loose striped blouse that looked as though it could accomodate two people." Which doesn't really sound so telling to me. I mean, by that same logic, Dana Larsen of the Droids is a cat burglar and Claudia Kishi, a child murderer. Watch out Stoneybrook! There's a killer in your midst!

The one where Jessica lets Bruce Patman slip through her fingers.

#3, Playing with Fire.*

Tagline: "Can Jessica play Bruce Patman's game and win?" No. She can't. WAY TO WASTE YOUR CHANCE, JESS.

The book opens with a dance, even though we just had a dance in the last book. I swear, SVH must have a massive party-planning budget; it must be one long, perpetual bake sale. They probably have a permanent kiosk set up for it. Anyway, this is the "Fifth Annual Rockin' Dance Party Contest," and Jessica and Winston Egbert, as Queen and King, are supposed to dance together. But instead Jessica spends all her time dancing with Bruce Patman, and who can blame her? He's rich, and beautiful, and a total asshole, and he drives a Porsche with the license plate 1Bruce1. He's the coolest boy around. Basically, Bruce Patman is Don Draper, but younger, and like, toooootally '80s, man.

Jess has liked Bruce for a long time, and is determined to get him to be her boyfriend. But Bruce is sharp, and won't be trapped easily, so Jessica has to change her entire personality to get him to stay interested in her. She becomes--well, she becomes Elizabeth, I guess, which is to say a total wet-blanket who goes along with everything her boyfriend says. The only time she stands up to him at all is when he tries to have sex with her at a beach party, and I'm just saying, but you have to lose your virginity sometime, and it probably won't be pretty, so why not a Patman? You'll have a large group of similarly-situated individuals with which to share you woes after he forgets to call you. Oh, well. The important thing here is Bruce touches Jessica's boob.

Elizabeth tries to talk Jess out of her love for Bruce, but then Mr. Wakefield comes in and congratulates his daughter for snaring a rich boyfriend. "'The Patman boy, eh,'" he noted approvingly. And now with this parental go-ahead, Jessica's crush is set in stone. She goes off with Bruce to play tennis at his mansion, and lets him win, so that he'll like her more. And he does. And then he tries to make her quit cheerleading, and Jessica does, and that's really uncool of him because she loves it, but again: he's BRUCE PATMAN. I would have quit eating, entirely, if he'd gone to my school and shown an iota of interest in me.

The school rock band, The Droids, are going big time, and have a record label interested in them, so Elizabeth, unable to meddle in her sister's life, sticks her nose into their business, instead, under the guise of writing a series of articles about them for The Oracle. The Droids are so busy practicing to be famous that they start doing poorly in school. Emily Mayer, the drummer, is supposed to tutor Jessica in chemistry, but she skips a tutoring session to practice with the band, and Jessica is going to fail, until Bruce comes along and tells her where Mr. Russo keeps his tests. Jessica has the fat girl, Robin Wilson, steal the tests for her, and then she's feeling generous, so she gives poor Emily a copy, too.

Of course Russo uses a new test and both girls fail, and are called to the principal's office. Emily comes clean about the cheating, but Jessica doesn't. This is the second test in a row she's failed, and she's in danger of getting an F for the entire term. This would be a wakeup call to most other girls, even most other Jessicas, but this particular Jess is too busy getting ready for Bruce's birthday party at the country club to bother with things like school. She buys a new outfit and a stack of presents, that is so sad, and desperate of her. Oh, honey. Bruce ignores her, though, and Jessica is crushed. Then he dips out of his own party, making excuses about a sick grandma, but really to meet another girl. Elizabeth and Todd know what's going on, and they arrange to drive Jess home. But then Elizabeth "remembers" she left her keys at the party, and they drive back to get them, and see Bruce, who has returned, making out with "an attractive redhead." It's always those damnable ginges! Jessica freaks out on Bruce, and throws a pizza onto his face. The bitch is back!

Oh, the theme of this book must be "blowing people off" because the Droids arrange a big gig but their shady manager never shows. They are all sad, and then they are relieved, because being famous is hard, and they're only kids, and they just love music, and that is its own reward! The end!

What they wore: At the dance where Jessica makes her move on Bruce she is wearing a bright blue, skin-hugging minidress and matching tights. And "monochromatic" must have been the theme of the Rockin' Dance Party, because Elizabeth has come in stylish but more casual wheat-colored pants and a tan striped shirt. To a dance? I mean, at my school people wore jeans to the homecoming dance, but they were usually paired with a cute top, and cute shoes and about a hundred thousand of those tiny sparkly butterfly clips that only hold about two hairs. You know Elizabeth has topped her ensemble with some barrettes and finished it off with some sensible shoes. What a fail.

More dance fashion: The Droids' record label guy has shown up to observe them in red leather pants and a matching skinny tie knotted over a white shirt, and to me that sounds like just exactly what a McDonald's employee would wear in the location that opens inside an S&M dungeon. And Robin Wilson compliments Jessica on her dress, and asks her where she got it, but Jessica won't tell her, because she doesn't want to be seen wearing the same outfit as the fat girl. Why? It seems to me if you want to make sure you look awesome in something and everybody knows it, you should give the same exact outfit to the fat girl and have her wear it to the same place as you.

Hey! Look at that! Somebody shops at a place that isn't Lisette's! After she's been dating Bruce for a few days, Jessica visits The Boston Shop and comes home with a bunch of new, Patman-appropriate clothes. A brown wool blazer and matching skirt...two Oxford shirts (in beige and pink)...the look was tasteful, classic, and rich. Elizabeth, trying to jolt Jessica out of her Stepford-preppy haze, asks to borrow Jessica's black and white miniskirt to wear on a date with Todd. Jessica tells her she can keep it forever, and then offers to loan Liz the black body suit to go with it. Nice try, Jess. You know she's wearing that miniskirt with a polo and some Keds.

Just so you know how fat and loserish poor Robin Wilson is, the ghostwriter is sure to point out that the outfit she chose to wear to Bruce's party (Query: why is she even invited?) is a pink-and-white striped dress--horizontal stripes, no less--because apparently only skinny girls get a pass to wear them--that make her look like a poster girl for the cotton-candy company. Because SHE'S FAT, GEDDIT?

Everybody makes a big deal about telling Jessica how nice she looks at the party, but we don't know what it is, exactly, that she's wearing. DAMN YOU, GHOSTWRITER! The clothes are the best part! I would gladly sacrifice some of Elizabeth's shitty journaling for a sparkling silver tutu with a purple jumpsuit underneath it. Blast!

*I have loaned #2, Secrets, to a friend and will post that entry when I get it back, which will be soon.